The NICU can be described in one word "Rollercoaster!" And it is one wild ride. One moment your baby is wonderful and everything is right with the world and the next moment you are holding your breath out of shear terror at something completely unexpected.
We are told that our NICU experience was somewhat mild in comparison. I think it is hard to make those comparisons - the NICU is a tough place to be if you are there three days or 90 or more. I believe we got off easy...but I also know it was a wild ride nevertheless.
Elliot was born 10 weeks premature weighing in at 1 lb. 12 oz. He was severely IUGR. The cord, his lifeline, was faulty and he was not getting what he needed to grow. This defect was discovered at 25 weeks and the doctors opted to keep him in, because they said, in was better than out even with a faulty cord. So we waited and watched. And when the cord was about to give out altogether Elliot was born by C-section on June 9, 2005. After being told that he could have trisome' 13 or 18 this seemed like good news to us. I know it beats being still born, which is what used to happen to babies like Elliot...they were stillborn with no answers for parents. With the miracles of modern medicine I feel strongly that Elliot, like Esther of old, has "come into the kingdom for such a time as this."
The first time I saw him, 8 hours after he was born, he looked like this. As his grandmother, it was all I could do to keep my face calm and my voice even. My daughter was watching my every move, searching me for any sign of fear. My first thought was "How can anything so tiny possibly survive?" But the words that came out of my mouth were reassuring and calming as if someone else had said them. I am convinced now that it was not me speaking but the Spirit telling my daughter and son-in-law that their baby would be ok. I had an over whelming sense of peace that day. It was a peace I would need over the next 10 weeks to help my daughter cope with the NICU.Over the next 10 weeks we watched his every move. How much he breathed, how much he ate, how much he weighed. All of those things went up and down and up and down. It is hard to recall all the things that happened in the NICU but there are some things I will never forget. I know my list is different from my daughters list and even different from your own, so please feel free to add to the list
I Will Never Forget...
• the first time I saw Elliot and all of his blonde hair
• wanting to cry, but needing to be strong
• the worry on my daughters face
• how many times she asked me, "Is he going to be ok?"
• how we waited to see him for 8 hours because...Brooke had to will herself out of bed to be able to go to the NICU after having a C-section
• marveling at how brave my little girl was and how fast she was going to grow up
• seeing my sweet daughter hold her baby for the first time
• Elliot's wrist was so small his daddy's wedding ring was a bracelet
• being able to see right through his skin
• the first time we changed his diaper and he had no tushy
• seeing his tiny diapers and then realizing they were too big for him
• all the wires coming out of everything; hands, feet, heart, head and belly button
• his first cry - we saw him cry but no sound could come out - it was a silent cry
• driving an hour each way to the hospital 3 times a week so my daughter could get to her baby and praying all the way there and all the way home that "today will be a good day"
• the first time I got to hold him and thinking I must be holding air in a blanket
• the constant beeping of the monitors
• being startled awake in the middle of the night with my daughter in tears on the other end of the phone
• the A's and B's scared me half to death
• and then I got use to them
• and then they eventually went away
• washing my hands until they were raw and praying it was enough
• wondering if the NICU nurses were really angels in disguise
• wanting to know why a baby would fight so hard to live
• watching my daughter learn to care for her fragile baby
• dressing Elliot in clothes for the first time
• seeing more wires coming out of him than were there yesterday
• seeing all the wires disappear
• seeing Elliot smile at his Mommy
• the first time I held him and it felt like I was actually holding something
• seeing how brave my daughter really could be
• watching him learn to eat
• giving him a bath
• being told he could go home
• the disappointment we felt when he couldn't go home yet
• how happy we were when he could REALLY go home!!
Since then, I thought of some others...
- Feeling helpless
- Feeling strong
- Having extraordinary faith
- Being gripped with fear
- Coming into the NICU to see the staff huddled around his isolette and knowing that wasn't a good sign
- Taking a small army to move him and all his "stuff" from the car to the doctor...stuff is diaper bag, car seat, O2 tank and monitors
- Seeing his color change from pink to gray to blue
- Knowing what a nebulizer is and how to use it
- Wondering if Elliot would ever breathe on his own...18 weeks on oxygen!
- Not taking him to church
- Then when we could finally take him to church... freaking out because someone near him coughed.
- Realizing the NICU wasn't the end of it
- 5 more hospital stays
- 2 more surgeries
- Veins so scarred that they had to dig for an IV and he was only a year old
- Wondering if it would ever end?
- Spending Christmas at the hospital...twice
- Two winters in isolation
- One perfectly, joyously, wonderful, normal Christmas
- Being able to see Santa Clause at the mall
- Elliot is a happy boy in spite of everything!!
- A whole year with no hospital stays
- PT & OT
- Not sitting up until his 1st birthday
- Not walking until almost 2
- Becoming a germaphob...did you use hand sanitizer before you touched him?
- Hearing him talk!
- Hearing him call us Magah and Papa
- My heart melts every time he says "I Love You!"
- Hearing him sing...he sings like an angel
- Watching him dance
- Watching him sleep...he looks like an angel
- Being happy that he is able to throw a 2 year-old temper tantrum and just laughing at him
- Spoiling him completely and thoroughly rotten!
- Feeling completely and abundantly blessed because he is where he is today!
What will YOU never forget about YOUR Preemie?
(Leave us a comment and tell us what you will never forget.)
(Leave us a comment and tell us what you will never forget.)
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2 comments:
Wow. Reading all your memories made me cry, yet again... I've been doing that a lot this month.
Some of my memories:
-hearing her cry for the first time
-watching her be put back on the vent by a friend and colleague
-her first bath
-her first bottle feeding
Your memories are like mine -- I'm Ruby's Grammie and her doctor said "there is no earthly reason why Ruby is here" but we know that many, many people were praying and God has been gracious to us and she is doing well. She's our little miracle! She's up to 2 lbs and 11 oz now and has been wearing the clothes our daughter bought from you -- they're adorable! I haven't held her yet but I'm looking forward to that -- she's so beautiful!
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