Things I Will Always Remember...

As I think about the new year I cannot help but look back. Even though it has been more than a year since Elliot was in the NICU these time of reflection always take me back there. I am glad I hope I will always remember -

The NICU can be described in one word "Rollercoaster!" And it is one wild ride. One moment your baby is wonderful and everything is right with the world and the next moment you are holding your breath out of shear terror at something completely unexpected.

We are told that our NICU experience was somewhat mild. I believe that...but I also know it was a wild ride nevertheless. Elliot was born 10 weeks premature weighing in at 1 lb. 12 oz. He was severely IUGR. The cord, his lifeline, was faulty and he was not getting what he needed to grow. This defect was discovered at 25 weeks and the doctors opted to keep him in, because they said, in was better than out even with a faulty cord. So we waited and watched. And when the cord was about to give out altogether Elliot was born by C-section on June 9, 2005.

The first time I saw him, 8 hours after he was born, he looked like this. As his grandmother it was all I could do to keep my face calm and my voice even. My daughter was watching my every move, searching me for any sign of fear. My first thought was "How can anything so tiny possible survive?" But the words that came out of my mouth were reassuring and calming as if someone else had said them. I am convinced now that it was not me speaking but the Spirit telling my daughter and son-in-law that their baby would be ok. I had an over whelming sense of peace that day. It was a peace I would need over the next 10 weeks to help my daughter cope with the NICU.

Over the next 10 weeks we watched his every move. How much he breathed, how much he ate, how much he weighed. All of those things went up and down and up and down. It is hard to recall all the things that happened in the NICU but there are some things I will never forget. I know my list is different from my daughters list and even different from your own, so please feel free to add to the list

I Will Always Remember...
• the first time I saw Elliot and all of his blonde hair
• wanting to cry, but needing to be strong
• the worry on my daughters face
• how many times she asked me, "Is he going to be ok?"
• how we waited to see him for 8 hours so my daughter could get out of bed and walk herself to the nursery after a C-section
• marveling at how brave my little girl was and how fast she was going to grow up
• seeing my sweet daughter hold her baby for the first time
• Elliot's wrist was so small his daddy's wedding ring was a bracelet
• being able to see right through his skin
• the first time we changed his diaper and he had no tushy
• seeing his tiny diapers and then realizing they were too big for him
• all the wires coming out of everything; hands, feet, heart, head and belly button
• his first cry - we saw him cry but no sound could come out - it was a silent cry
• driving an hour each way to the hospital 3 times a week so my daughter could get to her baby and praying all the way there and all the way home
• the first time I got to hold him and thinking I was holding air in a blanket
• the constant beeping of the monitors
• being startled awake in the middle of the night with my daughter in tears on the other end
• the A's and B's scared me half to death
• and then I got use to them
• and then they eventually went away
• washing my hands until they were raw and praying it was enough
• wondering if the NICU nurses were really angels in disguise
• wanting to know why a baby would fight so hard to live
• watching my daughter learn to care for her fragile baby
• dressing Elliot in clothes for the first time
• seeing more wires coming out of him than were there yesterday
• seeing all the wires dissappear
• seeing him smile at his Mommy
• the first time I held him and it felt like I was actually holding something
• seeing how brave my daughter could really be
• watching him learn to eat
• giving him a bath
• being told he could go home
• the dissappointment we felt when he couldn't go home yet
• how happy we were when he could REALLY go home!!