I'll Be Home for Christmas...

Those words mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. To the parents of a premature baby it means starting a new life together as a family. To be let out of the NICU before Christmas is the best of gifts. These past few weeks as I have sewn countless clothes for preemies all over the world. I think about all those babies in the hospitals during Christmas and it nearly reduces me to tears.

This week I have come to appreciate that song with a different twist. I am not sure I was prepared for what happened to our family on Christmas Day...

We had grand plans for the holidays. Elliot is getting old enough to know something is going on, although he still has no idea about Christmas yet. At 18 months old he is so fun to watch as he discovers all the new sights and sound of Christmas. His delight at sucking on a peppermint stick with intermittent declarations of pleasure..."Mmmm, Mmmm" he says as he leans in for another lick. He hasn't grown tired of pushing the button on this year's Hallmark creation to make the snowman and penguins dance as he claps his hands and pushes the button again ...and again...and again. His great big smile and the delight in his eyes just melts my heart!

Christmas Eve I made my family a formal 6 course dinner. Prime rib and Chocolate Lava Cake were among the tantalizing taste sensations on the menu. (I have been a personal chef in another life.) We had a delightful dinner, opened our presents of new pajamas and piled into the car to go look at Christmas lights in our area. The scene was doubly delightful against the backdrop of new snowfall a few days earlier. I looked around at my family all singing Christmas carols thinking that it doesn't get any better than this!

When we arrive home we watched a DVD about the birth of Jesus called "Joy to the World" and then my dear daughter, her husband and sweet baby went home to plan for Santa's late night visit. They planned to come again in the morning to unwrap the rest of the Christmas presents.

Elliot was thrilled with his Tickle Me Elmo! He watched it with delight and squeals of laughter as long as it didn't come too close. If Elmo rolled his way he backed up saying "Ooooo!" He took to opening his presents like a pro and loved tearing the paper as if he had always known how! He even started helping everyone else open their presents too! At one point I looked down at my pile of presents and saw his blonde, fuzzy head and the distinct sound of rrrripppp, followed by a big mischievous grin. We were all having so much fun!!

Then the unthinkable happened... As their sweet family headed home for showers and then to BJ's dads house, Elliot began violently throwing up. He continued to be sick every 10 minutes for the next four hours. A frantic call from my daughter with a plea for help. A call to the doctor confirmed he needed to go to the hospital. Suddenly, everything changed. What started out to be a wonderful day took a horrible turn for the worse.

There comes a point in every preemie parent's life when it finally all comes caving in on you. Christmas day was THE day for my daughter. When she got to the hospital she just started crying uncontrollably. She had reached her limit. I don't know if it was because of all Elliot has been through or that it happened on Christmas. So many expectations and plans that just were not going to happen now with a baby so violently ill. It was probably all of it. But she lost it. My daughter has been so brave for so long I am surprised it took her this long to break down.

Elliot did come home and he spent the rest of Christmas day with parents...with an IV in his arm and a return visit scheduled for the next day. He was diagnosed with Rotavirus. Nasty stuff this virus - it is bad news for a healthy baby, never mind a preemie of tiny size. It can take 5 to 10 days to get over. With Elliot's petite size of 15 1/2 pounds no wonder they are taking precautions, but my daughter intuitively senses the danger her baby is in once again and it is too much to think that he has once again come so close to death's door. "Will he escape again?" is probably the only question on her mind and it is way too hard to address that question ...so many times.

The truth of the matter is that as long as Elliot is so small we are and will be forced to take a close look at his mortality from time to time. For all of us it is becoming as familiar as an old friend who unexpectedly stops by for a visit.

I am also amazed at how patient this little one is with his calling as a preemie. After he stopped throwing up and got a bit of his appetite back he tired quickly of Pedialyte and wanted something a little more substantial. So he began frantically signing the words "milk" and "cracker" and when his parents refused his request he resorted to the only plea he knows by following it with the sign "please?" When he was refused he dropped his head onto his daddies shoulder sobbing and pounding his fist. After a few minutes at an attempted fit he fell asleep exhausted; too sick and too tired to throw a proper fit. Poor baby!

After the return trip to the hospital he is sent home again with the IV intact for one more day... just to make sure. For me this has put the holidays into perspective. It wasn't the Christmas we planned on or hoped for but at least now he can have his milk (diluted) and crackers! The simple pleasures of an 18 month old. For the rest of us...at least he is home for Christmas!